


Dreadful images

by eranoa



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Bittersweet, Body Image, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Photographs, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26397691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eranoa/pseuds/eranoa
Summary: " Did people make fun of him once he was gone? Would they look at the pictures and automatically see how wrong he looked, how the angle of his face was stupid, how his mouth was half opened? Maybe, probably. He couldn't be mad at them for doing so, yet he felt deeply ashamed every time "
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 5
Kudos: 102





	Dreadful images

You will never find Martin Blackwood in a photograph. Or, more precisely, you will most likely not find a picture of Martin that he wasn't forced to take. Of course he's had his ID picture taken every time he needed to, but he is careful not to look at it for longer than he has to. And he quickly puts the rest of the pictures away where he doesn't have to see them as soon as he comes back home. Every card he owns is put away neatly in his wallet, turned around so his blank face doesn't stare back every time he opens it. 

It's not that he hates how he looks, he can stare at himself in a mirror without having a breakdown on most days, and he even feels actually beautiful sometimes. He just cannot deal with pictures. Especially the ones he did not take himself, even though the number of selfies he took and kept on his phone can be counted on one hand. There's just something with people taking pictures of him, the way he can never quite smile correctly, always looking like a deer caught in headlights. 

His obvious discomfort did not stop people from taking pictures of him at various times in his life, mostly group pictures where he always felt so much more awkward and ridiculous than everyone else.

But since he arrived in the archives, it became way worse that he could have anticipated. Tim Stoker was the kind of person who would take pictures of absolutely everything happening, all the time, everyone included. And that meant that every Christmas party, every anniversary, every occasion, Martin had to put on his best relaxed mask and bear with it. But it didn't stop him from fleeing after the necessary group pictures, always keeping an eye on whoever had a camera, trying his best to enjoy the celebration without being caught in the flash of a dreadful picture. Tim wouldn't hesitate to come around the next day, showing the myriad of pictures to anyone with enough time to be interested. 

Obviously he did not have any malicious intent and the poor man wasn't trying to personally torment him, but the moment always seemed to stretch for such an agonizing time. Martin always ended up very uncomfortable and never stuck around to look at the whole thing. 

Did people make fun of him once he was gone? Would they look at the pictures and automatically see how wrong he looked, how the angle of his face was stupid, how his mouth was half opened? Maybe, probably. He couldn't be mad at them for doing so, yet he felt deeply ashamed every time. 

He was perfectly content to watch from afar or even better, be the one holding the camera if pictures were deemed necessary. He would do his best to take good shots, a satisfied smile on his lips knowing he was able to keep memories for everyone and not forced to be in them, ruining it. Maybe people won't even remember who was taking the pictures, and that's okay. 

There's something deeply comforting about watching people you love enjoy themselves, about taking a step back and observing. Not stuck in the moment anymore but out of it, a gentle gaze trying its best to memorize the feeling, not intruding in the moment but a part of it. A very singular point of view. 

All this to say, Martin Blackwood did not enjoy photographs. 

And the one he just found was probably the worst yet. 

Partially because he looked absolutely awful: face flushed from one too many drinks, eyes closed while he was smiling widely at whoever took the horrifying picture. Which had been cut out rather neatly from a group photo so only he remained. But the sour feeling in his stomach was mostly caused by finding this foul thing in Jonathan's wallet.

Yes, the man had only asked him to fetch his credit card, but it's not his fault if the damn picture fell in his hands while he was looking for it. 

They had been staying in the safe house for a few days now and were starting to get comfortable about what being together meant. Away from everything for now, finally able to breathe, with some time to understand and develop the feelings they have for each other. Yet, the Archivist was far from the most romantic person and he was certainly the last person Martin would have expected to keep a picture like this, especially one where he looked so... 

When Jon entered the room to see what was taking so long, he paused at the sight of Martin's upset face. Then followed his glare to the little photograph in his hand. 

"I can absolutely explain that. I swear it's less creepy than it looks. At least I think," he offered while approaching gently. 

Martin put the wallet back down on the table where it originally was and turned to Jon with a puzzled face. 

"It's- Well, Tim gave it to me a while back. It actually was a full picture, and he was on it, so were you and Sasha. It was a joke, told me to put it up somewhere in my office. I didn't put it up, but I kept it. And then…" 

A soft humorless laugh escaped his mouth before he continued. 

"I found it again some time ago, Tim was gone, so was Sasha but you were still there. And it felt right to keep you with me, to be able to remember why I was going on, to know that I hadn't killed- that I hadn't lost everyone. The rest of the picture is still where it was before. "

Before he could realize what was happening, Jon's face was in the warmth of Martin's neck. Held tight in a firm and comforting embrace. 

"I don't think it's creepy." Martin said softly after a few moments, when he felt the other man hugging him back he added, "Actually I think it's pretty cute, I just wish you had a better picture to keep." 

Jon sighed. 

"Yes this one is starting to get old and accidentally got wet a few times-

"No, I meant, one where I don't look too bad."

Jon frowned, taking a step back, his hands slowly enveloping Martin's and deep brown eyes staring intensely at him. Scanning for information that he was not about to rip from the other man's mind.

"I think you look very beautiful in this picture Martin."

A blush crept up his neck as the Archivist kept looking at him. Not into him, just at him, but so deeply that it was hard to not lower his own eyes. 

"I know the picture by heart now. When I look at it, I see you. I see you happy, smiling. Smiling for real and it illuminates your face in such a way that I want to see it again, be here to make you smile like that. I don't know what you see when you look at it, but I see the best man I've ever had the chance to meet."

Martin wasn't sure when he started crying, but he knew that his face was absolutely soaked with tears as soon as Jon stopped talking. 

As Jon initiated a new embrace, Martin thought that maybe someday, when all gets better, he could buy a camera. They would take some pictures, live some new, some better moments. And he could learn to appreciate the pictures for what they really are, so much more than just a weirdly deformed reflection of his image. 

Little fragments of memories, to cherish.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> This was totally self indulgent and probably full of projection but heyy
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave kudos or a comment if you feel like it!
> 
> :)


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